The Great Wall of V'Gina

Vaginismus; it sounds like a Holiday because it is. From sex. (Consider this a TMI PSA).

My body , like the song, has always been a wonderland. I always wonder what’s happening with it. From the age of 3 when the stirrings down yonder began. I pressed my little bunny foo foo fingers to my little garden patch, and voila. I held magic. I thought I was the only one in the world with this secret. This body explosion that made my ears tingle, and my new legs weak. Mom once caught me sitting on the toilet mid-magic and asked “what are you doing?’. I said “Nothing!”. “well…STOP IT!”. Irish-Catholic. She had to say it. Irish-Catholic….I did not stop. I only get better at it.

My body was a wonderland, and I was a sexual being. This never stopped, until August 30, 2018.

A typical evening with my beautiful husband turned atypical. My castle was open, but he couldn’t get in. A literal wall slammed shut. His battering ram manhood didn’t stand a chance. (NOT that he used it as such!!!!) One inch in, he was just tapping on the door. It was painful! Like, off the smiley charts painful!

I wonder what’s happening?

I went to the OBGYN. I was sent home with a vaginal training kit, as if I hadn’t any experience with “items” up my wahoo. A kit that consisted of dildo style inserts, and I was to work my way up in size. It didn’t help. Of course it didn’t help. None of them even came close to what I was married to in size anyway! (a sweet brag for my husband, who is man enough to let me publicize this).

I was then told it was psychological. Essentially putting the onus on me. Implying I had trauma. There was no trauma! I did not, in a matter of a few days, become terrified of my husband’s PENIS!!! This was an absurd notion to me!!! Three days prior I was up on that pogo riding dirty! No trauma! This was biological! This is my pelvic wall slamming shut the nanosecond he entered! HOW do we fix this??

The deep-dive begins (no not in there)…online. WHAT is happening? I fell upon a term I had never even heard of. Vaginismus. MERRY VAGINISMUS!!! Santa won’t be coming this year! I need a vaginismus miracle. Har, har, har.

Vaginismus defined: Vaginismus is the body's automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. Whenever penetration is attempted, your vaginal muscles tighten up on their own. You have no control over it. Occasionally, you can get vaginismus even if you have previously enjoyed painless penetrative sex.

(Now, to be clear, there are women with real trauma that DO acquire vaginismus. Generally younger. And, yes, therapy and relaxation techniques can work. Amen to that).

I, however, have NO FEAR OF SEX! Never have. (Perhaps should have at times?) This was my body, NOT my brain, doing something terrible.

Now, what follows the rise of the great impenetrable wall is devastating to the mind. THAT has been trauma. At 53 years young, fresh out of menopause, my body had closed shop on me. I finally didn’t have those pesky periods and cramps. Could free-ride without having to do clean-up afterwards. T’was over. My sense of self, my womanhood, my sexuality, my confidence was struck a terrible blow. Then there is the GUILT! MY body did this to my marriage. MY body is saying no to my husband. But my BRAIN and my heart were still saying YES! (although a BIT more sluggish with the libido. Cuz that happens with menopause too) So yeah. Maybe some therapy.

A question for the science and medical community: When men came to you with erectile disfunction, and the torment of not being able to participate sexually…what did you do? YOU FIXED IT!!! VIAGRA!!! And E.D. generally is not even PAINFUL. But it got answers, cuz men were embarrassed, felt insecure, inadequate, emotional pain. Well…

SO DO WOMEN WITH VAGINISMUS!!! FIX IT!! WHERE IS OUR PILL?

Women are constantly, throughout history, being told our ails are “all in our head”. We have “hysteria”. In the late 1800’s through the early 1900’s physicians administered pelvic massages involving clitoral stimulation by early electronic vibrators. Cuz HYSTERIA!! (Thereby turning our pain into their pleasure. Don’t get me started.Lord!)

When I was in my 30’s I was told I had an irritable uterus. How is that a diagnosis? What was I to do? Go home and reason with it? Pop a Lexapro up there? Stand on my head and fill it with wine? Box wine?

Now I have vaginismus. And again, I am told it is in my head. NO! It is not in my head. It is in my body. It is in my vagina. Fix it.

As I have gone through the last 5 years revealing to some of my close female friends (and occasionally to a stand-up audience who will indulge) I have learned of COUNTLESS women, of a certain age afflicted (yes, afflicted) with this awful thing. Why are women not warned about this? Why is this not on the list along with night sweats and mood swings? Also hearing from sympathetic men who are experiencing this with their partners. Bless you. Most of us are in, or have gone through menopause. I’ve gotten the diagnosis narrowed down to “secondary vaginismus”, which is the progress of noting that ALL women with vaginismus have not suffered some trauma leading to this. THANK YOU!! But the progress we truly need is treatment. Until VAGINISMUS (say it out loud) becomes part of the normal conversation surrounding menopause, and its possible difficulties…we will never get the help that we need. Of note: while this is clearly a women’s issue, it does affect men. Men love it up there. Prove me wrong! Maybe some male voices in our choir would help get the word out!

If by chance this is you, I would love to hear from you. I think it’s important to open up the conversation. Share things, methods that are working. Be frank. Be vulnerable. Be embarrassed, but in a safe space at the same time. I have decided to put myself out there on the subject. If I somehow end up the face of Vaginismus (would that violate SAG/AFTRA strike rules?), I actually think that feels very on brand. LOL

Here’s my experience now. Actually here is OUR experience. Me and my incredible husband. It has been super important to keep the conversation open around sex. We’ve expressed our sadness over this situation, but do not dwell there. Do not place blame at either ones feet. It’s no one’s fault. Be willing to try different things. (Who knew that anal would be the less painful option!) See? Embarrassing, but I said it. Oral sex has become the new standard around here, and no one is leaving the room without reigning victorious. Tried some salves, CBD and otherwise. It did not work for me personally. Maybe it will for you!! If you find one, let me know!! I know a woman who is about to try PT on the pelvic wall. Might be next on my agenda! Also of note, TWICE in the last 5 years, after him tossing tongue to bring about my lady-song, he was slowly and carefully allowed access INTO the castle. Like, ALL the way into the castle…into the ballroom, up the staircase to the veranda and all. Without any pain. And of course, I will always have little bunny foo-foo marching through my [now salt and pepper] forest. Don’t give up hope. Don’t ever give up hope. Your body is a wonderland.